Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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