My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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