I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
