you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
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