and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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