My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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