I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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