Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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