He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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