You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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