11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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