Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
