There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
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handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
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