went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
