sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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