I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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