He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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