never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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