Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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