Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
