I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
