Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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