i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
i've created a new STD.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
