our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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