The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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