69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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