I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
