Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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