I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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