the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
what day is it and did you see me today?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
