I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
