I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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