Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
