oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
