i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
