how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
