mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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