At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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