upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Randomize
