wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
