Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
