Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
