at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
