It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
