we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
