and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
