The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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