And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
