After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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