you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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