My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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