I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
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I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
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Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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