True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
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